It Ain't Easy Being Brown

I've had a little more than 12 years to prepare, but uncharacteristically for me, I've been in denial.

You see, I was thinking that if I raised my son to have manners, took him to church, surrounded him with people of good moral character, and made sure that he was learning, he would be just fine.

And maybe he will.

I'm white. I'm raising a brown child. His father and I are divorced, and he sees his father every week. His father believes that people who break the law should be held accountable, and so do I.

But what is happening in our country right now scares me.

I've been paying close attention lately.

I've been raising my brown son to make his own decisions, to think for himself, to question authority, and speak up for himself. I believe those are traits that will carry a person into adulthood, and make for a well-rounded individual. One who doesn't just believe everything he hears, or follows along just because someone says it's the thing to do.

This week I stopped in my tracks. I realized that I might have been doing this all wrong. What I thought would give him a great foundation for his future might be something that could get him killed.

My son is a typical pre-teen boy. He has a love of guns that I believe runs through his veins. My father loves guns, my oldest son loves guns, and my step-son also has a love of guns.

I thought my youngest son could be free to pursue his boyhood interests, to run amok like the boys in my neighborhood did when I was growing up, to get into some innocent mischief, because that's what builds great memories and it's how we learn. But it is also the thing that has me concerned.

I am still encouraging him to analyze, and think for himself, but I've begun serious conversations with him about how to behave. These conversations are different from the ones we've had in the past. Of course I've talked to him about manners, and his education has had grace and courtesy built into it, with handshakes and personal introductions the norm.

The instructions I'm giving him now are different. I knew his life would be different from my oldest kids who are white, but I didn't realize how different. I thought I could insulate him from bigotry and racism. I didn't want him to grow up thinking of himself as a victim, and I didn't want him to have a chip on his shoulder. I still don't. But, honestly, I didn't understand. I'm white.

While I still believe that if we all just obey the law, stay out of trouble, and stay away from people who want trouble, we will be fine, that isn't all there is to it for black and brown people.

Since the Michael Brown case in Ferguson I've been reading posts from a variety of people who tell the story of what it's like to be brown or black. Although I've noticed some of it myself as my son and I have been out in the world together, I haven't experienced it enough to understand. I'm still white.

I think back on some of the crazy things I did in my early 20s as a college student, and young adult with friends who were looking for fun, and it's a miracle that I came out of all of that unscathed. We never did anything intentionally bad, but we did some stuff.

Even if we had been caught, I don't think we would have gotten into a load of trouble. We were white. And it seems that in this country, if you're white, you are presumed innocent. A young white person out doing some things they aren't supposed to do can be seen as kids doing what kids do. A black or brown person in the same situation would be presumed guilty, and there isn't anything about a black kid doing something wrong that is fun and games. In this country, that is a life and death situation.

So I've begun a new education program with my son. New rules.

If you see a police officer: Do not run. Ever. Keep your hands where they can see them at all times. Do not make any sudden movements. Ask before reaching into a pocket, or otherwise moving your hands. Only speak when you are spoken to. Do not ask questions, other than "am I free to go," or "can I make a phone call."

You might be thinking ( if you are white), "Well, that's just common sense."

Yes. It is.

I've already talked to my son about making good decisions, and staying away from people who make bad ones. I didn't know how else to say it except to just say it, so I told him that if he is with a group of white friends who decide to do something he knows is wrong, but they all think it will be fun, or funny, and they get caught, he is the one who will be in trouble.

I explained that the white kids might get in trouble, but it is almost a certainty that he will. And it sucks, but it's just the way it is, so the best thing to do is leave that group as soon as he knows what is happening. I told him to use me as an excuse.

Now, maybe you're thinking that is also just common sense. But think back on your youth and the things you've done. Kids do stupid stuff.

And maybe you can't imagine it, but try. Imagine you are a white kid, and you are innocently hanging out with your friends playing Airsoft war in your yard. You have your headphones in, listening to your favorite song, really loud, and you have your Airsoft gun in your hands. A police car pulls up because a neighbor complained that you were shooting guns.
What do you imagine the police officer will do when you don't respond to him or her trying to talk to you?

Now try to imagine you are a black kid in that scenario. What do you think the officer's response will be?

Recently there were a lot of gun enthusiasts carrying their guns into stores to push the open carry issue. And though there were some people on social media pushing back on that, and threatening to boycott those stores that allowed people to come in carrying guns, that's about as bad as it got.

I kept wondering what would happen if the gun enthusiasts were black guys.

Imagine that for a moment. You're in a store, maybe even working there as a cashier, or a manager, and a large group of black guys in camo, with guns strapped to their backs walk into Target, or Home Depot.

Think on that for a moment.

Hmm.

I know this is just one more thing out there in the cyberworld about race, and today I saw a comment to a post that said, "Please. Not another story whining about racism. We're all equal!" And all I could think was, "Of course. Because you're white."

I'm only beginning to understand what black and brown people deal with every day, but I know that I will never fully understand either.

I'm white, and that will never change. I just hope that within my brown child's lifetime this country will.

But What About Socialization??

I spend my days homeschooling.

I really love to teach my child. He enjoys learning at home, and he is thriving.

But there are so many myths and misunderstandings about homeschooling, so I thought I would put this out there in the blogosphere to clear up some of the biggest myths and assumptions I've heard.

These range from "those kids just sit at home and watch TV all day," to "the poor things are stuck in the house without any opportunity to socialize."

I am certain that there are some parents who homeschool because they think it's going to be easy. And I am certain that there are a very few, and I mean very few, because honestly, I don't know any, who allow their children to just sit in front of the TV all day.

I'm also certain that there are some who don't want their kids around other kids, and therefore their children really are stuck in the house without any opportunity to socialize. Well, sort of. I think even those families have an occasional opportunity to socialize. Church, family events, grocery store, library, something. And though I know one such family, it is only ONE of a whole lot of homeschooling families.

We can debate what is and isn't enough socialization, but I'd like to put forth the idea that socialization means different things to different people.

It's definitely the hot button topic for both those who have an opinion, but aren't homeschooling, and those who are homeschooling.

First, I don't think sitting in a classroom of 25+ kids who are your same age is true socialization. I don't think the Middle School experience that my older kids endured, nor the experience I've heard through friends and groups is true socialization, nor is it, in my opinion, healthy socialization. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm not so sure about high school, either. My own experience, and that of my older children, and adults I've spoken with, was not what I would call a real social experience. And from what I hear, it's not gotten any better with time. I've heard the debates about what those experiences can teach us.

My definition of true and healthy socialization includes opportunities to converse, spend time, and collaborate with people of all backgrounds, ethnicities, faiths, ages and socio-economic status. It includes disagreements, and opportunities to negotiate, compromise, and find ways to work out problems. That is my definition of true socialization. And that is what I strive for in our homeschool experience.

Sometimes we fall short. The age ranges aren't always as diverse as I would like. Ultimately I'd like my child to spend time with some kids of all ages, some adults, and some teenagers and older adults as well. We have a pretty diverse group of friends. We, ourselves would fit the "diverse" label. We have friends of various ethnicity and background. We seem to be missing out on the teen group, but Sean gets that in other places, like church and when he spends time at his dad's house.

But here's the crux of what I want to get out there to dispel these myths and assumptions and misunderstandings.

Homeschoolers do socialize. We, as in Sean and I, have so many social opportunities that I have to sometimes turn some of them down or we would never get a day of school. I've heard from others who say the same thing. This is especially true when our regular schooled friends are on holiday breaks.

There are also a lot of collaborative opportunities, and I have to constantly decide if they are going to enhance or detract from our lesson plan.

Our lesson plan might not look like a traditional lesson plan, but it is ours. Not everyone does use one, and that is OK.  Homeschoolers use all kinds of curriculum. We happen to use a Montessori curriculum, but no one else in our social circle does. We know some people who use the public homeschool curriculum, others use a religious one, still others unschool, and some have cobbled together a variety of curricula to have what works for their children.

The other myth about TV all day, well that has been a topic of discussion in some online groups lately. You might be surprised to hear that some homeschooling families allow their children a couple of hours a day of TV, others allow 30 minutes, some use a bit of educational programming, and some don't even have a television. Hmm. Sounds pretty much like the general population, huh?

The beauty of homeschooling is that no homeschool looks like another. We homeschoolers do what works for us, and share ideas and tips, but we all follow our own way.

Fortunately, we live in an area where there is a large community of homeschoolers, and for that reason, our community at large is supportive. We take advantage of a lot of the classes and group activities for homeschoolers here. There are outdoor science classes, art, and local history classes. We've even hosted one ourselves that teaches outdoor skills and conservation. We've met new friends by hosting that class on our property.

But I also have the benefit of online groups. I am in several Facebook groups for Montessori homeschooling, and some for homeschooling in general. As a homeschooling mom it can be overwhelming, and lonely. I've found the online community to be such a blessing for me. When I first embarked on this journey, Sean was a first grader, and I was able to connect with a Montessori homeschool group on yahoo that saved me. Really. I was clueless, but that year I learned so much about the philosophy and curriculum.

This week Sean will be socializing during the class we host here, and after that class we both will socialize with the families. We will probably collaborate on some science with one friend.

And he will also have some screen time, though he doesn't watch TV by choice. He prefers Netflix, and video games. I limit both, and neither are allowed until school work is finished.

So that's a little glimpse into how we socialize, and how we deal with TV. And now I will get back to my research on the politics and government of Ancient Greece, gather more Greek root words and definitions, and study the Pythagoran Theorum for tomorrow's presentations. See how that all flows together? Ancient Greece (History), Greek root words (language),  Pythagoran Theorum (Pythagorus was Greek) and a math lesson.

This really is fun.

Epic Field Trip

Wow, I went MIA there for a while.

We've been super busy, and we were out of town for a while in September. Here's why:

Grand Geyser at Yellowstone National Park.

We stayed at River Rock Lodge, in Big Sky, Montana. It was about an hour from the West Entrance of Yellowstone. We spent three days there, and Yellowstone was as beautiful as I remembered.

From Wyoming we were headed to Idaho for a stop at Craters of the Moon.

Volcanic rock.

Indian Tunnel, one of the lava tubes.

Two happy kids hiking back from a great adventure.

Back to the van, and onward. Next stop: A ghost town called Silver City.

15 miles of dirt, rutted, rocky road back to the main highway, and we were off to Oregon to see the John Day Fossil Beds.

Sean loved the microscope at the Thomas Condon Paleontology Center.

A leaf fossil we saw in a boulder on a trail.

Might as well round out this trip about volcanoes and stop off at Mt. St. Helens on the way home, huh?

Sean and Lilly were interested in the seismograph. Any movement on the floor caused the needle to move.

By the time we arrived at Mt. St. Helens the kids were really ready to be home. We didn't stay very long, just long enough to look around the visitor's center. Informative, by the way. And I heard there has been increased activity there. Yikes.

Winding Down

It's been a great ride, but summer is coming to an end for us. We just attended an end-of-summer barbecue bash last night at our friends Nikki and Andrew's house.

We've enjoyed some great company, like when we hosted about 35 people for our Anniversary Party in June. I met a cousin of my mom's that was visiting from Montana, and we were so pleased to celebrate with our family and friends.

I've basked in the warmth of the sun as much as possible, and I've walked around the property and the yard taking in all of the sights and sounds. Birds, the horses next door, woodland critters that I hear rustling in the bushes but I can't see, squirrels chattering in the trees, and just today Sean and I watched a humming bird flit from one bloom to another on one of the flower bushes. We were so close, and it seemed to not notice us. But the birds here are kind of like that. They ignore us most of the time.

Sean has had a busy summer!-he's been playing hours upon hours of video games, lol.  But really, he's participated in some day camps, and he's been doing chores around here. We've hung out with some friends. We took a trip to the Pacific Science Center with Sean's friend Paul and his mom, Nikki, and he did a chemistry and lego camp in July and August respectively. He went on a vacation to California last month and did some camping with his dad.

One thing we haven't done yet, that I plan to do in the coming week, is go to the beach! We used to go all the time.

Chuck has been super busy with the business, and that's a blessing and a curse. It's great that we can keep our crew working, but it sure is tough to find time to get away from it all.

As I write this post, I'm sitting on the couch with the windows cracked open, and it's almost 10:30 p.m. The night air is filled with fall.

I'm researching and gathering materials for the coming school year. We are homeschooling for 6th grade, and I'm excited to begin soon.

Gingers Unite

If you are a brunette, do you notice other brunettes on the street?
If you are blonde, do you take a second glance at another blonde at a boutique?

Redheads notice other redheads. Or at least I do. And when I see a little baby, or a young child with red locks, I can't help it, I automatically smile.

You see, we are rare. I think I was the only redhead in my classes in elementary school, and there were only a couple more in high school. There's some understanding between redheads. We know how rare we are, and we empathize with each other.

Unlike blondes, who are always purported to "have more fun," are described as "bomb shells," and are sought after as a prize or trophy by many men, redheads are not described in those ways. We aren't a top pick. We're seen as fiery, with quick tempers and strange ways.

And while a brunette can be "exotic" and beautiful, redheads tend to be, almost, feared. That is until we are somehow acceptable again.

We seem to come in and out of fashion like clothing styles. We cycle around every 25 years or so and become the fad.

Our shades of red can be anything from almost blonde to orange and everything in between. Some of us have pale skin, so pale it's almost translucent. Some have freckles so thick it's almost a skin tone, and others of us can actually tan, and do. Some have skin that tans dark, and have auburn hair and eyes to match. Some have green eyes, some have blue. And I read recently that the red hair and blue eyes combo is extremely rare. So if you're one of these, celebrate the unique treasure that you are!

As a redheaded child, I was made fun of, teased and called all sorts of names through high school. Pumpkin head, carrot top, red. Though some of these were tossed out as affectionate nicknames, more often they were a jab. (By the way, a carrot top is green, people. Just sayin'.)

Looking back I find it comforting that I never was tempted to die my hair. I didn't want to change it, even though no one else seemed to like the color. I embraced who I was, and though the name calling hurt my feelings a bit, I let it go, knowing that I was special and they just couldn't see it.

Almost every time I've gotten my hair cut, from the east coast to the west, the hairdresser has commented on my hair color, and how they just can't get that color in a bottle.

So here we are. It's 2014, and a spread in Vogue magazine is celebrating the beauty and mystique of redheads.

We're in again, my fellow gingers!

Enjoy it while it lasts, but when we lose favor don't fret. We've still got each other. If I pass you on the street, in the aisle at the grocery store, or waiting in line at a play, I'll give you that reassuring look of acceptance.

Gardens and Baskets and Bouquets, Oh YES!

The gardens are alive with color, brilliant reds, yellows, shades of pink, pristine white, and a hint of blue. I've hung baskets along our porches and the gazebo, wherever there is a hook, and in some cases added hooks ;)) Each one displays a hue of purple and white, pink and red.

My heart is happy. Our sun finally made its appearance, and it is steadily warming us as the day slips into evening. My Southern soul longs for sun, and I bask in it as long as my fair skin will allow.

Our garden colors get a turn in vases on the table, near the bathroom sinks, and on a side table in the living room.

The dahlias and gladiolas are just beginning to bloom. I don't love the tall flowers as much. Especially gladiolas. They always make me think of death and funerals.

Here are a few of the beauties I've showcased together so far this summer.

A low vase is best on our table. It allows for conversation.

This vase hangs on the downstairs bathroom wall.

I was inspired to mix green and white. Our holly
bush provided the perfect leaf color to accent
the white flowers. I love the texture of the pea
vine and blossom.

South in the Mouth

If you have never lived in or spent time in the South this might not make a lot of sense. The Southern region of the United States is very different from any other part of the country. And even within the South there are vast differences in culture and language.

I won't go into all of those differences, but you don't have to travel very far to experience them. When I was living in Tennessee and traveled to Western Virginia (NOT West Virginia) I noticed a difference in the pronunciation of certain words. The word house, for instance, sounds a little more like hoose. It's subtle, but I still knew they meant house. However, I've never been very good at deciphering the Mississippi dialect. I truly don't know what they are saying most of the time.

As I've moved around the country I've lost some of my accent, gained some of others, started pronouncing the g in words where I used to drop it, and lost a lot of the colloquialisms that I used to hear and use in every day conversations.

I revisit some of them when I talk to friends who still live there, or who have not lost as much as I have. And some of those words are still part of my internal dialogue. It's a lot like movie quotes that you want so badly to use in a certain situation, but you don't because you know that no one else is going to understand the reference and you will sound a little cray-cray.

But the other day one of them slipped out. It was as automatic as saying yes. And my husband looked at me like I was visiting from another planet.

We were having dinner. He said he had met with a guy that day, someone I know of but don't know well. Normally I would say something like, "Oh, so how's he doing?" or "Really? What did he have to say?"

Nope. I distinctly said, "Oh yeah? What'd he allow?"

My husband gave me the look and asked, "What did he what?"

In Southern speak that means what's new with him, or more specifically, what did he have to say.

Luckily I didn't take it further and say something like, "Oh, yeah? What'd he allow? I reckon all that jawin' musta wore you plum out."