Burning the past

We are starting to go through things in the house just a little at a time, because we are hoping to move sometime in the Spring/Summer.

There is a box of mine that I decided to sort through. For years I kept a journal. I had them in a box and they traveled with me from place to place, being added to over the years. But I suddenly stopped writing down the things that were happening in my life sometime in 1999 or 2000.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I just stopped. I started up again, sort of, around 2004, but I didn't keep up with it.

I'm also not sure why I kept those ramblings for so many years. Some of them are hardbound books with lined pages filled with words, others were just cheap notepads I picked up in the office section of some store. They are so old that the pages are all separated, and some of them I numbered so they could be kept in order, and held with a rubber band.

Maybe a part of me thought they would be interesting to my kids someday, but since the two who were young when I wrote all of that stuff are grown now, and I'm not so sure they would find them interesting, I decided to get rid of them.

I started with whatever was on top, grazed through it quickly and tossed it into the fireplace. I think it was 1998 or 1999. Then I went to the next one, did the same thing. I got to the year 1995 and I read that one page by page as I tossed them into the fire. Interesting to me, not to anyone else, I decided. I went on a cruise that year. It was fun, but it only means something to me. I was pretty deep into a relationship that was part loyal great friendship/part cat-and-mouse love affair. The words were vivid, but I wouldn't say it was well written. I found it uninteresting and sad.

I have thumbed through at least five of them so far. Some years I was prolific, so there was more than one book for the same year, others were shorter.

Last night I read the last 20 or so pages of a book I've been devouring, "Love Child," by Allegra Houston. I usually take at least a month to read a book, but that one I read in two or three days. I had taken an unintentional nap earlier in the evening, so I wasn't really sleepy, and as I read the last word of the book,  I glanced at the clock. 1:30 a.m. I turned off the light, but I couldn't get settled. The journals, I thought. I should go through another one and try to work my way to the bottom of that box.

The one I pulled out was older. 1992. I started to read through it and decided I'm not ready to burn that one. It was filled with the usual 20-something angst and confusion, but it had some little tidbits about my children, and it was also written well. It was interesting, and I found myself still reading it an hour later.

My writing became bland and uninteresting the older I got. Maybe it was the circumstances. Maybe it was because I had to be a creative and interesting writer by day as a reporter in those later years, so by evening I was spent. Maybe it was because the people in my life at that time were sort of draining me. Or maybe it was because in those early years I was still at the university, and I was being challenged and inspired.

I'm inspired by lots of things: nature, music, art, books, I can find almost anything interesting. But I was surprised that my 1992 self inspired me. I really can write. I just haven't done it in a long time.

Memories: What is real and what gets us through

Christmas is here. It's always packed with activities that add to my fond memories. So because it's Christmas Day and the house is quiet, I started thinking about memories and what they mean to me.

My earliest memory is from around age two, I think. I know I was very small. I was standing on a high step, my mother insisting that I stand there so she could take my picture. I can't really remember what my dress looked like, only that I really liked it. But I did not like standing on that high step. I was afraid. Afraid that I would fall and my mother, who was my world, could not catch me because she was too far away--all the way at the bottom of those high steps.

But if I could ask her about that, she would have her own version of that memory. (She died in 2007.) Or she might not have remembered it at all, except for the little photograph from that day. Maybe she would remember the dress because she picked it out for me, or remember the camera, because it was hers.

My brother remembers things I don't remember at all from our childhood. He remembers some things completely different from my versions.

Recently I started reading a book about childhood trauma. It was written in the 1990s, so the information could be different if there have been more studies since then, but in that book the author illustrates cases where memories have faded, or melded together into a new truth. The point being, it is important for children to talk about the trauma as soon as possible after it happens, because if they hold it in it negatively affects their adulthood. It is very difficult for them to work through it as an adult because the memories are altered by time. They no longer know what is real and what is imagined, or what their minds have altered. Some things they believe to be true, such as locations, and what they could see from that location during the trauma, don't make sense. For example, the location and that view are not congruent. Our brains are a complex organ.

Until recently I had an almost photographic memory. I couldn't remember everything the way people who do have a photographic memory can, but I could remember a lot.  I could recite back, word-for-word, conversations I had with people. (It was a great tool for a reporter to have.) My mother would remark on how wonderful my memory was when I was little, and I was the go-to person when someone couldn't remember something.

Memories of my hometown, my childhood friends, some of the good family moments, and all of the ones I have of my children are like little treasures for me. Not everyone cherishes memories like I do. Life seems to be just a series of events that are lived and forgotten. No big deal.

For me it is fun to reminisce, and I really enjoy doing it with friends and family.

Relationships: Focus on the Positive

There is a fine line between focusing on the positive and being in denial in a relationship, but once you've established a loving, committed relationship I believe it is important to let the small stuff go. By the small stuff I mean the cap off the toothpaste kind of stuff.

There will always be something that the special person in your life does or doesn't do that frustrates you. I can name a few right now that he does. I've mentioned them, and he doesn't consistently remember to do or not do them.

And guess what? He has mentioned some things to me, and I find myself forgetting as well.
We forgive it and move on.

When we knew we were committed to our relationship I wanted to be the best person for my husband that I could be. I still fall short sometimes, in my view. But, I decided that I wanted to be sure that he knew I was his biggest fan. I thought of how awful it feels to be ridiculed, and decided I would never do that to him. I only want him to feel lifted up, and know that I am the person he can always count on to support him and be there when he needs to lean on someone.

There are so many people out in the world who are rude, mean, and freely throw out insults.  I want to be the safe place, the one he will seek out when he has had a bad day.

So I focus on the positive. I remind him on a regular basis why I think he's great, and so perfect for me. It isn't empty praise. I make sure that whatever I say is heartfelt.

I have a personality that tends to focus on what can be done better, what's wrong and how did it get that way. I also question everything, seek the truth, and I don't really believe something just because someone says it's so.

This personality has served me well as a journalist. But work is a different thing. Our marriage requires me to adjust myself accordingly. I admit that I sometimes struggle, since these thoughts and behaviors are in my nature. But I make a conscious decision to see what is working well in our relationship, and how great our lives are.

I find that when I intentionally focus on love, and approaching my husband from a place of love and acceptance, I feel great. The more I notice his incredible acts of love and kindness and acknowledge them, the more I see. It's kind of like that exercise of counting your blessings. You start with one thing, then two, and pretty soon you find so many things each day you are thankful for that your list is never ending.

We aren't perfect, nor should we expect perfection. I try to remember the Golden Rule and talk to my husband the way I want him to talk to me.

He speaks to me with respect and kindness. His intention is always to show love and acceptance. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man, and I tell him that I know how blessed I am. We both know that we are.

It's a choice, really. Do we want to be negative, or do we want to focus on what is great in our lives? I choose to focus on the positive and let the little things be what they are--insignificant.

Three Days in Orlando, Florida: Yay!

Earlier in the year Chuck and I discussed taking the kids to Disney Land. We didn't think we could afford to do it this year, but when my daughter wanted to meet up with us for a little vacation, we tossed around a few ideas. We eventually settled on Orlando, Florida in November.

Since we were going that far we decided to plunge right in and do it right, and go to Disney World.

When I started looking for deals on flight and hotel I was surprised to find a steal on a resort hotel with flight. The resort room was actually a duplex with two bedrooms and two baths, a kitchen, dining room and living room. It was perfect. And there was a 12-acre water park on site. Truly, this was thousands of dollars less than what I was looking at for Disney Land, and Disney Land is closer for us.

We spent the first day with Jewel, Bjorn and Parsla at Sea World after we all met Chuck's sister, Carla, and her husband for breakfast at The Golden Corral not far from our resort. They live an hour and a half away from where we were in Orlando.

Sea World was a lot of fun. We saw the dolphin show and the Shamu show, went on a couple of rides and looked around at the wild life there. The dolphin touch tank was another stop, but they didn't come close enough to us. Parsla was excited to have Sean with her, and wanted him to ride on her stroller. That was the only day we spent with them, because they were afraid Parsla wouldn't be able to handle all of the parks.

Our second day was spent at Islands of Adventure. I think we all liked it best. We loved the rides there. The Harry Potter ride was our favorite. That Harry Potter area is amazing. Really. It looks exactly like the castle, and the little town where he buys his wand, and the broom, all of it. Amazing!

And as we were walking out of Hogwarts, the Beaubaxton girls and guys marched past us. There were many guys and girls in the Hogwarts robes. It was enchanting, and I'm not even that big of a Harry Potter fan.

A close second on our list of rides was the Spider Man ride. It had great 3-D effects, and was thrilling.

Chuck and I went on the Jurassic Park ride, which was a meandering boat ride that took us through Jurassic Park and eventually down a log flume type run. We rode it twice. The first time we didn't really get wet at all. We sat in the same row the second time, and somehow we got drenched.

Sean had his picture taken with the Green Goblin, a character from the Spider Man series. Sean is a huge fan of Spider Man, and luckily as he was packing I suggested that he bring his Spider Man T-shirt. I had no idea what to expect, but thought he might be glad he brought it.

He was so excited to get his picture taken with the Green Goblin. While we stood in line for the photo, he said, "Oh, no. I'm wearing this Spider Man shirt. He's really going to put the hurt on me."
And I was so glad that when he got up there the Green Goblin was completely offended. He pulled the shirt and folded it over, then pulled Sean's arms across his chest so you could just barely see that it was a Spider Man shirt.
(Thank you Green Goblin! You made a little boy's day!)

Disney World was our last stop on our last day. We started early in the morning and went to Magic Kingdom. Our plan was to take a break at lunch time and spend some time at our water park at the hotel, then go back for the fireworks at Disney.
That day was a bit overcast, but humid. It sprinkled a little, but never really rained. The kids got in the pool after lunch, and had a great time.
We went back after dinner for the fireworks display. We rode a couple of rides while we waited. One of them was a runaway train ride in the Old West area of the park.

Sean isn't much of a roller coaster kid. He decided he would go ahead and try it. He admitted it was fun, but a little too much for him. We went on another one that was a haunted mansion. That one was just really cool. It felt like we were in a real mansion. The details were unbelievable.

It was difficult to find a good spot, but we watched the electrical parade. That was pretty cool. Then it was time for the show at the Cinderella castle. I wish we could have been in front of the Cinderella Castle for that. We weren't. Then the fireworks started, and they were really above us and behind us. Next time we'll know better, and we'll make sure we are somewhere we can actually see the whole display.

It was a great family vacation. The kids got along the whole time, and we had so much fun every day. We were so glad to spend a day with Jewel, Bjorn and Parsla, too. Vacationing together was a great idea. I sure hope we can do it again.