For All Women-Especially the 30-somethings

What To Expect When You're Expecting Menopause

You might think this doesn't pertain to you. Stop. Do not click off of this page. This IS FOR YOU if you are a woman of any age, but especially if you are in your mid-to-late 30s, or 40s.

Some women would rather not know, and just want to be surprised when the time comes for menopause to begin. If that describes you, go ahead and click off of this page.

Oh, and before you read any further, there are some bad words in this post. 

If you are still reading, you should know that you can begin to experience pre-menopausal symptoms as early as your 30s.

Anyone can look in a medical manual, or get basic information from a doctor about the changes that will occur during menopause, but how many of them have explained the process to you? A manual isn't another woman who knows, giving you the whatfors. And most women see a doctor who is either a man, who obviously hasn't experienced, nor will he ever understand, the symptoms, or a woman who hasn't reached menopause yet. Although they try to be helpful, they have NO IDEA.

That's right. None!

So, sisters, this is for you. Settle in. Make a cup of tea, iced or hot, it doesn't matter. Curl up with a soft throw, and you might want a box of tissues as you read this post. If you've already reached menopause, you know what to do. Skip the hot tea. Skip the throw, and instead throw open that window.

What To Expect First

You will begin to feel symptoms of menopause long before you reach menopause. There is no way to know exactly when this will happen. Usually between the late 30s and 40s. This is called peri-menopause, but who really cares what it's called. It sucks. You could call it suckopause, or you can name it after your least favorite person, or even use a curse word. I like the word son-of-a-bitch, because I tend to mutter son-of-a-bitch under my breath when I have some of these symptoms. But technically that is more than one word. Feel free to string some bad words together and use them as either adjectives or verbs when saying the word peri-menopause, or menopause.

You will curse. Believe me. You will curse. If you've not been the cursing type, get used to this new part of yourself, but if you can, try to mutter the curse words under your breath. Cursing in public for no apparent reason could make things worse. You'll be suffering. You don't need people staring at you as if you need mental health services, or calling the police, or screaming at you because you just called their toddler a mother*&^%%$$. Which you didn't, you just blurted it out loudly in that general direction. But parents are sensitive.

Maybe you already have mental health services, and if you do, own that shit. Wear it like a badge, because honey, you are better off than the rest of us who are denying that we need it.

But this first phase, Phase One, is manageable. You most likely will feel a bit warm sometimes, especially when you go to bed. You might wake up cold from a bout of the sweats, kind of like a fever. And it can trick you into thinking maybe you had a fever that broke in the middle of the night and you didn't even know you had one.

That is a trick. You didn't have a fever. It's night sweats. But here's the kicker...Waaait for iiit... You skip periods.

I know. Great, huh? Youbetcha. Except for the paranoia of thinking you might be pregnant again. That's not very fun, but boy are those period-free months great.

If you keep a calendar, and have always paid close attention to your menstrual cycle, you might notice that your period shows up late, or early, sometimes not at all. Sometimes you skip a couple of months at a time.

This is the good part, so go ahead and sit in a yoga pose, breathe deeply, and focus on that good part there. "Oooommmm. I won't have to buy pads or tampons this month. Oooooommmmmmm. I don't have PMS this month. Ooooommmm." (What you save in spending on pads and tampons this month might get spent on pregnancy tests. Just sayin'.)

You will want to get used to either cursing, or saying Ooooommmm. Here's why: Your moods will begin to be as unpredictable as your cycle.

That's right. If you've been a cool cucumber all your adult life, that's about to change.

You'll have great days, sure, but you'll have moments on those great days when you feel a bit homicidal. Just for a few minutes. It won't last. You'll be back to your cool self in moments. And then when you aren't expecting it, it will come on again, that homicidal rage feeling. It can be over something as small as misplacing your keys, or someone might say something that you take the wrong way.

Again. Say it with me, Ooooommmm. Or you can choose a curse word from your list of favorites. Either way, it will help. But whatever you do, DON'T kill anyone. Really, if you start to feel serious about the homicide thing, seek immediate mental health services. For real. And don't be ashamed. You're a menopause warrior now.

Get ready for this, because we're still in phase one, here.

You can also experience a period from hell. I mean just as you are in the midst of reveling in the non-periodness of it all, the next one can require those mega pads that I call horse pads, and it could last for two weeks. Not kidding. So even if you skip a month, buy tampons and pads anyway.

Oh, and you'll start to gain weight. It came on slowly for me, kind of sneaky-like. I gained a pound or two, and then another pound. And then a couple more. I gained about five pounds in Phase One.

But Phase One is manageable.

There is no way to predict how long Phase One will last. Maybe that is why doctors don't bother talking about these things in a way that helps us get ready for it. Maybe menopause is just too unpredictable to address.

Phase One lasted about three years for me.

Phase Two:

For some, Phase One is not bad at all, and they skip right on to Phase Three. I haven't heard of it, but I guess there could be some women who don't go through phases at all, and their periods just stop and that is it. I haven't heard of it, but then, how many of us have heard much of anything about menopause?

It is most likely that you will experience something similar to these phases.

So. You've been in Phase One for a while. You've gotten used to missing some periods here and there, and maybe you've had a few times when you felt a bit warm, just needed a little extra breeze, or had to turn the air conditioning down a degree or two.

Now, Phase Two begins.

In Phase Two the periods are all over the place. There is no way to predict when they will start or end. You might skip three or four months. The next one might arrive like it used to, back in the day, before Phase One. Remember back when you had those wonderful, predictable periods? Ah, don't you miss those days now?

You might have a period that plays out just as predicted, and then it ends, right on time. And you might think you're going back to normal again, back to the pre-peri-menopause days. But a week later, that period is back. Like a bitch.

This can go on and on. You need to keep pads and tampons on hand, because you just never know when this will strike, how intense it will be, or how long it will last. Go to Costco, if you have one, and get the largest box of your favorite feminine hygiene products. (Seriously, if you experience a period that lasts for an extended amount of time, you definitely should seek medical attention. It can be dangerous, and most likely you will be iron-depleted.)

Also in Phase Two, what used to be just a warmth that required a little extra breeze has now turned into an internal inferno. It starts somewhere in the gut and radiates out to the edges of the torso, working it's way down the legs and up the chest to the arms and face, all at the same time. Your body will feel like it is on fire. You will sweat in places you might not have sweat before. Like your knees. Yes, ladies, your knees can sweat.

Try to remain calm. Softly mutter your preferred curse word under your breath so as not to disturb anyone, or generate any extra heat. Slowly make your way to an open window, or step outside into cool air, or inside into cool air, depending on the time of year. Whatever you do, do not panic. The more you panic and begin to flail your arms to cool yourself, or find a newspaper or magazine to fan yourself, the longer it will last. These hot flashes usually last for only 30 seconds to a minute at the very most.

I know, it's hard. The moods, the hot flashes, and the moods because of the hot flashes. Mental health services might not be a bad idea at this point.

Those occasional night sweats are now more frequent in Phase Two. They can be so intense that you search for a dry spot on the sheets so you don't freeze to death in the middle of the night. You won't find one. Just get up and go to the bathroom for a towel. Two, actually. One for your body that is literally dripping with sweat, as if you just came out of a sauna, and another for the bed. Actually, you might need more than one for the bed.  Place those over the drenched sheet. Don't change the sheets. It might happen again before morning. (I know, the top cover is also wet and now you're freezing. Don't worry. You'll warm up soon.)

If you're a spooner, or a cuddler, those days are over, honey. You might get a minute or two of spooning in bed with your loved one, but any longer than that and you will be throwing the covers off, opening the window as wide as it will go, or leaping out of the bed, headed for the freezer for that refreshing cold air.

You will gain more weight. I gained another five pounds in Phase Two, bringing me to 10 extra pounds at that point.

Now, at this juncture you might be ready to talk to your doctor about what to do for these awful symptoms. You may have offended someone in your family by now, and your friends?--they might be wondering what is up with all of the cursing and erratic moods.

I did this. I asked, and my doctor gave me birth control pills. I was 41. I don't recommend this route whatsoever. Not at all. But that is my opinion.

I got no clear answer from my doctor about how long I would need to take these to get my hormones back in balance. I think I took them for six months.  I ended up taking myself off of them because I could no longer afford them. I didn't have health insurance at the time. Those pills made my periods stop altogether, made me feel kind of sick, like I was pregnant, and made me bloat, and I had started to gain the extra weight. I had taken birth control pills before, in my 20s, and this time around they were not my friend.

Coming off of the birth control pills was so much worse than the symptoms of peri-menopause. So, so, so, much worse. I couldn't even walk a few feet without breaking out in a total body sweat. I felt like I would throw up each time. To walk from my living room to the kitchen was a huge effort. I was dealing with sweat, hell-fire hot flashes, nausea, fatigue and raging mood swings while trying to work, run a house and be a single mom. I wished that I had never started taking the pills.

Since that time I've had a second opinion, and my current doctor says she would not ever give birth control pills to a woman of that age. She has a variety of options, one of them being hormone replacement.

My Phase Two lasted a couple of years.

And here's what to expect in what I believe is the final phase, Phase Three:

Phase Three includes night sweats, hot flashes, and occasional ickyness kind of like PMS.
The periods stop altogether.

The moods will level out, but you'll gain more weight, which might put you in a bad mood.

If you were always a sex kitten, brace yourself. You're going to look at sex in a whole new way. You might not care much about it sometimes. Or you might not want it at all.

On top of that, your vejayjay might not like sex, either. It might even hate it. It could be painful. Things change down there, and it ain't pretty, sisters. Dryness is just the beginning. The lack of estrogen causes physical changes, and makes our vejayjay less flexible and the tissues are thinner.

Other parts of your body will change, too.

Your hair will change. Most likely it will get thinner and limper, but it could get curlier and thicker.

If you once had beautiful fingernails, that could change. They can get brittle and dry.

Your skin, too. That will be drier than before.

You could see a change in the way your body reacts to, and processes, foods. My body doesn't process foods the same way it used to. I can't drink milk. Bread makes me bloat, leading me to believe I am possibly becoming gluten intolerant. Corn is in almost everything, and I don't process corn well at all.

Here's what I'm doing to try to help with these symptoms.

I'm starting to take daily doses of calcium, Vitamin D, and Vitamin E. I use a daily moisturizer for my face, which I've always done since my 20s, and I use a really good body lotion. I use a moisturizing soap in the shower also.

I'm not super worried about the weight, because I had some room to grow, so to speak, anyway. But I don't really like how my body is right now, so I'm trying to get more exercise, eat more whole foods and drink more water and tea. I buy organic, fresh vegetables and fruits when I can, and stay away from meats and dairy that could have growth hormone or antibiotics. We have chickens, and feed them the best feed available that is non-GMO, organic feed, so we have great eggs.

I notice that when I eat processed foods, or fast foods frequently, I feel worse. And for me, corn is a trigger. I have more hot flashes and night sweats when I eat things that contain corn syrup, so I'm trying to eliminate those altogether.

I'm seeing a chiropractor and a massage therapist due to a car accident a few years ago, but I think they also help with some of the symptoms.

I haven't tried any of the options my current doctor has told me about just yet. I keep thinking I'll be able to handle it. For the most part, I'm doing fine, but I am concerned about bone loss, osteoporosis, and whatever might be happening inside, so I'm beginning to think about the options.

I'm going the natural route as much as possible, but if this doesn't appeal to you, definitely go to your doctor to get whatever you believe will help you.

If you are a 30-something woman, start talking to your doctor now. And don't let them tell you you're too young to worry about it. Definitely don't worry about it, but get informed.

I'm sharing this to help other women. Most of us had a mother, aunt, or older sister to give us the information about our changing bodies as we approached puberty. We need a similar talk about menopause.

Lastly, I'm still in Phase Three, so I don't know what is ahead of me, or for you. I'm hoping this is the final phase, and that the worst is behind me. If something different happens, I'll update with a new post.

I do know that there are some great things about this phase. One is that I don't worry about birth control. Another is that I've discovered a feeling of calm and peace in who I really am. I don't care what others think, never really have, but now I am just ready to be who I am meant to be, with my flaws. I'm no longer striving to become a perfect person. I'm great just the way I am.

And so are you!

I Love "Lars and the Real Girl"

I'm in one of the cycles for watching movies and TV shows. Sometimes I am in the reading cycle, and I devour text, but that time is not now.

Last night we searched Netflix for a comedy. Chuck, my husband, prefers comedies. He deals with enough drama and tragedy, sometimes violence, and often heartache, in his job as a firefighter. So I watch those genres alone when he's at work.

We finally settled on a comedy, "Lars and the Real Girl." It's a 2007 film, and neither of us had seen it. It stars Ryan Gosling, and a life sized doll.

I'm going to keep this short, because there are plenty of reviews and plot explanations for this movie on various websites.

Lars is a different kind of guy, one who sticks to himself at work and in his personal time. He lives in the garage-turned-apartment behind his brother and sister-in-law's home. His sister-in-law is pregnant, and she is worried that Lars doesn't get out enough. Lars turns down her repeated invitations to have dinner with them in their home, just a few yards from his door.

His cubicle mate at work tries to show him a site online that offers customizable sex dolls, and Lars doesn't really want to look at it, or hear about it.

What at first seems like a movie that will be a true comedy turns out to be a funny, but heartwarming film. I really enjoyed it.

I expected one thing, but got a total surprise. I expected Lars to be fed up and get the doll as a way to shut everyone up, as if to say, "Fine, you want me to have a girlfriend, HERE'S the girlfriend, you bunch of meddling jerks."

But that isn't the case, and the movie is a mix of laughter and surprising human kindness all the way through to the final scene.

As the credits rolled, I imagined how it would be to live in a world like the community that rallied around Lars.

If you're a thinker, a person who is interested in human interaction, the perplexing work of the mind, and one who dreams of a world filled with people who support and love one another, this movie is going to deliver.

Of course I'm not getting paid to write this review, by Netflix or anyone else.
This one was a winner in my opinion.