A voice inside

My schedule has changed. I am no longer a slave to deadlines and no longer at the beck and call of a staff of people. I am now free to schedule my days as I see fit, and I can actually spend some time doing things that need doing around the house. I can weed the garden, wash the car, even read a book, all without that nagging feeling that there are at least 5-10 emails that have arrived, sitting there waiting on me to check them.

It feels great. I am free. I have a very different job now that requires a different skill set. I am still adjusting, but I love it. I am on a break from most of my volunteer responsibilities this summer, so I have a lot more time to be home.

But because I have more free time my inner voice is very hard on me, and it's getting louder. It tends to compare me to some ideal, perfect person, and I never measure up. I do my best to ignore it.

The other day I looked around the living room and saw that the laundry I put in the chair to fold was still there because I got distracted by a phone call. The pile of things to take to charity was still in the same place I piled it, and the bill I set out to pay was still waiting to be paid. That voice asked, "What did you do all day? You've been here, and you don't have that demanding job anymore, so why can't you get all of this done?"

And for a moment I started to think, "Yeah. Why can't I get all of this done? This house should look like a showroom. What is wrong with me?"

But when I went through the list of things I did do, I realized I got a lot done. Before 10 a.m. I had two loads of laundry finished, breakfast made, the dishwasher emptied and reloaded. By 11 I was stripping the beds and putting on clean sheets. With that accomplished, I was on my way to scrubbing the downstairs bathroom. By noon that bathroom was scrubbed and the floor mopped. I made lunch, then went out to weed the garden and water the flowers. I did more laundry, and by 3 p.m. was on the road to return some items to the library. While I was out I stopped off at the paint store to turn in the application for credit for the business. I went to the church to set up the materials for Sunday school, and then stopped at the grocery store on the way home, and when I got home I made dinner.

That seems to quiet the voice for at least the rest of the day. But it always comes back. And now it's nagging me to get off the computer.