Relationships are hard. Or are they?

A friend of mine is having some struggles with her relationship.
She said to me, "Relationships are hard."
I've heard that before. I've said it before, and more than once. I now realize it was because I wasn't with the right person. When you find the right person, in my opinion anyway, it isn't so hard after all.

I won't dare to try to discuss her struggles here, or those of another friend who is also experiencing some painful issues with a husband and trying to blend their families, because relationships are complex and difficult to understand when you are looking from the outside.What I will discuss is my relationship with my husband, and my observations about what makes our marriage work. I've had some that didn't work.

You see, when my husband and I began dating we were brutally honest with each other. I wasn't afraid to speak my truth, because I was completely and totally fine with being alone. I was doing just fine, and wasn't looking for anyone when we started dating. And he was done with being with someone who wasn't right for him, and trying to please someone by being who he isn't.

So we had that talk of, "Let's get it all out on the table. This is who I am. This is what I want. And this is what I don't want. Now if any of that is not in alignment with what you want and don't want that is completely fine. It doesn't mean I don't like you, it means we shouldn't waste our time trying to make this work when it clearly won't."
This conversation took place over many days. Probably more than a week, at least. And then even after that as we would think of more things to talk about, we would add to it. If he had ever dismissed my needs, or if his needs had not been ones I was willing to fulfill, we would have ended the relationship in those first days. We constantly gave each other permission to do so, and kept the conversation going so that we were totally open and honest with ourselves and each other.
Turns out all of our deal breakers were in total alignment.

I allow my husband to be who he is. And when I find myself frustrated by something he is doing, or not doing, I remind myself that I know him. We spent some time getting to know each other before we got married, so I know that he loves to work. I know that he sometimes struggles to communicate clearly with me. I knew these things about him before I married him, and even with these little things that I sometimes wish were different, he is absolutely amazing.

I can't expect him to change. He won't. He is who he is, and that is exactly why I married him. I know there are things that I do or don't do that drive him a little nuts. I try to correct them, but I am who I am also, and so there will always be things that I wish I could change but are just not that easy for me.

So, whenever something crops up that I don't like, I take a breath and remind myself that I don't know everything. I can't control everything. I have to let go and let him do what he does and be who he is, but if there is something we can do to make it better, we do it.

The great thing is that we can communicate about issues, and he truly listens to me and validates my feelings. In that regard I am truly blessed beyond belief, and it is one of the biggest reasons I feel in love with him.

Another thing that I think helps our marriage is that we both give. He gives so much to me. He is so patient with my quirks and mistakes, and he really shows me that he cares about me and loves me.

We send each other messages. They are random. Some days I don't get a message. Other days I get a message and a phone call. Some days I'm just out running an errand and think of him and send him a short message just to say, "I love you."

We don't argue. We really don't. For some people that would not work. They need to argue. We don't. We only need to discuss.

Pretty frequently I think of the vows I spoke to him during our marriage ceremony. I promised to approach him from a place of love and understanding. I try to see things from his perspective. And even when I think I know I have it figured out, I'm usually just wrong. His mistakes and quirks have nothing to do with any intentional slight toward me.

And I've learned that if I have an issue with something, I have to address it immediately instead of waiting. If I address it immediately we can have a calm, intelligent conversation and come to a solution.

We've bumped up against some things, we dealt with some things while we were dating and living together, and we've had some things crop up since our marriage. We have addressed them head-on and worked through them.

Blending a family takes a lot of patience, stamina, thinking outside the box, and attention. We are still learning what works and what doesn't.

We also have to take into account our backgrounds-- where we come from, both geographically and emotionally, and how we grew up. These things are not to be used as a weapon or arguing point, but instead to understand one another and give clues as to why we see things the way we do.

But we are not mind readers. No one is. It is completely unfair to expect someone to automatically know what your needs are without you speaking them out loud. I've seen some posts on Pinterest and Facebook about what it REALLY means when a woman says, "I'm fine," or "Go ahead and do whatever you want," and the list is longer than I am giving you here.

Saying things that mean the opposite of what you feel or think is a waste of breath. It's a waste of your life. We only have a specific number of minutes in our lives. Don't waste them with this kind of garbage.

You want that person to know what your needs are, but they don't. They only know if you tell them. So tell them. If they don't acknowledge your needs after you've spoken them out loud, or they choose to leave your needs unaddressed, you have a decision to make. And it could mean that you need to do some work on yourself before you can move forward in your relationship.

I really believe that the key to making a relationship work is to communicate clearly and honestly, and if what you are saying isn't clear, restate it in a different way. I've started using the words, "What I need," and , "I feel." When this or that happens I feel ____, and so what I need is ______.

This can feel really weird at first if you're used to arguing and yelling. It is best if you try it alone first, and just talk it through with yourself before you address it with your partner. And your partner may be completely thrown off by this if this is not how you normally communicate. You might want to preface the conversation with, "Hey. I am going to try something different, so hang with me while I try this," and then start with your "I feel" and "I need" statements.

A big thing for me is alone time with him. We have kids, and we have a blended family, which means kids come and go on weekends. We rarely, very rarely, EVER have alone time.

So, for instance, if he has been working a lot and we haven't had any time together, I give him a heads up that I need to talk when he has a moment. When that moment comes, and he does makes it happen asap, I start by saying something like,
"You've been working a lot, and I've been busy too, and we haven't had any time alone. When I don't have time alone with you I feel disconnected, and that makes me feel sad and lonely. I notice that I'm not able to function at a high level throughout my day when I feel that way. So what I really need is some alone time with you. Do you think we can schedule some time to do something, just you and me?"

There is no blame. There is no arguing. He doesn't get defensive about working. I don't berate him about working. I'm very specific about my feelings and my need. And I don't harbor negative thoughts and feelings about it. We find a solution together. And then it is over. We don't drudge it up later when something else comes up.

We read a book that our pastor recommended, and we worked through a lot of it prior to our ceremony. It's called "Discovering a Dynamic Marriage." It's a lot of work. I won't lie, it took a lot of commitment from both of us to work through the exercises, but I treasure the memories of meeting once a week to go over our work in those chapters.

In a nutshell, what works to keep our relationship great is:
Honest communication about our feelings and our needs
Addressing issues immediately
No name calling
No arguing
No matter what, approaching each other from a place of love and seeking to understand
Allowing each of us the freedom to be who we are
No unrealistic expectations, i.e., mind reading
Owning mistakes, but practicing forgiveness and gentleness with one another
No keeping score
No drudging up old issues that have already been dealt with

It makes me sad that so many people are having difficult times in their relationships.

Being a partner in a loving relationship has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened for me. If your relationship isn't what you want it to be, there are resources out there. Utilize them before it is too late. Most people who seek marriage counseling have had a dead marriage for at least two years, and so the success rate is low. If you seek help as soon as you realize you could use someone who can walk you through a way to better communicate, your marriage could be a success story.