You see, I was thinking that if I raised my son to have manners, took him to church, surrounded him with people of good moral character, and made sure that he was learning, he would be just fine.
And maybe he will.
I'm white. I'm raising a brown child. His father and I are divorced, and he sees his father every week. His father believes that people who break the law should be held accountable, and so do I.
I've been paying close attention lately.
I've been raising my brown son to make his own decisions, to think for himself, to question authority, and speak up for himself. I believe those are traits that will carry a person into adulthood, and make for a well-rounded individual. One who doesn't just believe everything he hears, or follows along just because someone says it's the thing to do.
This week I stopped in my tracks. I realized that I might have been doing this all wrong. What I thought would give him a great foundation for his future might be something that could get him killed.
My son is a typical pre-teen boy. He has a love of guns that I believe runs through his veins. My father loves guns, my oldest son loves guns, and my step-son also has a love of guns.
I thought my youngest son could be free to pursue his boyhood interests, to run amok like the boys in my neighborhood did when I was growing up, to get into some innocent mischief, because that's what builds great memories and it's how we learn. But it is also the thing that has me concerned.
I am still encouraging him to analyze, and think for himself, but I've begun serious conversations with him about how to behave. These conversations are different from the ones we've had in the past. Of course I've talked to him about manners, and his education has had grace and courtesy built into it, with handshakes and personal introductions the norm.
The instructions I'm giving him now are different. I knew his life would be different from my oldest kids who are white, but I didn't realize how different. I thought I could insulate him from bigotry and racism. I didn't want him to grow up thinking of himself as a victim, and I didn't want him to have a chip on his shoulder. I still don't. But, honestly, I didn't understand. I'm white.
While I still believe that if we all just obey the law, stay out of trouble, and stay away from people who want trouble, we will be fine, that isn't all there is to it for black and brown people.
Since the Michael Brown case in Ferguson I've been reading posts from a variety of people who tell the story of what it's like to be brown or black. Although I've noticed some of it myself as my son and I have been out in the world together, I haven't experienced it enough to understand. I'm still white.
I think back on some of the crazy things I did in my early 20s as a college student, and young adult with friends who were looking for fun, and it's a miracle that I came out of all of that unscathed. We never did anything intentionally bad, but we did some stuff.
Even if we had been caught, I don't think we would have gotten into a load of trouble. We were white. And it seems that in this country, if you're white, you are presumed innocent. A young white person out doing some things they aren't supposed to do can be seen as kids doing what kids do. A black or brown person in the same situation would be presumed guilty, and there isn't anything about a black kid doing something wrong that is fun and games. In this country, that is a life and death situation.
So I've begun a new education program with my son. New rules.
If you see a police officer: Do not run. Ever. Keep your hands where they can see them at all times. Do not make any sudden movements. Ask before reaching into a pocket, or otherwise moving your hands. Only speak when you are spoken to. Do not ask questions, other than "am I free to go," or "can I make a phone call."
You might be thinking ( if you are white), "Well, that's just common sense."
Yes. It is.
I've already talked to my son about making good decisions, and staying away from people who make bad ones. I didn't know how else to say it except to just say it, so I told him that if he is with a group of white friends who decide to do something he knows is wrong, but they all think it will be fun, or funny, and they get caught, he is the one who will be in trouble.
I explained that the white kids might get in trouble, but it is almost a certainty that he will. And it sucks, but it's just the way it is, so the best thing to do is leave that group as soon as he knows what is happening. I told him to use me as an excuse.
Now, maybe you're thinking that is also just common sense. But think back on your youth and the things you've done. Kids do stupid stuff.
And maybe you can't imagine it, but try. Imagine you are a white kid, and you are innocently hanging out with your friends playing Airsoft war in your yard. You have your headphones in, listening to your favorite song, really loud, and you have your Airsoft gun in your hands. A police car pulls up because a neighbor complained that you were shooting guns.
What do you imagine the police officer will do when you don't respond to him or her trying to talk to you?
Now try to imagine you are a black kid in that scenario. What do you think the officer's response will be?
Recently there were a lot of gun enthusiasts carrying their guns into stores to push the open carry issue. And though there were some people on social media pushing back on that, and threatening to boycott those stores that allowed people to come in carrying guns, that's about as bad as it got.
I kept wondering what would happen if the gun enthusiasts were black guys.
Imagine that for a moment. You're in a store, maybe even working there as a cashier, or a manager, and a large group of black guys in camo, with guns strapped to their backs walk into Target, or Home Depot.
Think on that for a moment.
Hmm.
I know this is just one more thing out there in the cyberworld about race, and today I saw a comment to a post that said, "Please. Not another story whining about racism. We're all equal!" And all I could think was, "Of course. Because you're white."
I'm only beginning to understand what black and brown people deal with every day, but I know that I will never fully understand either.
I'm white, and that will never change. I just hope that within my brown child's lifetime this country will.
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