Planning a wedding can be really fun and exciting, and also a little stressful. There's so much to do, and so many pretty things to look at and decide upon. Dresses, flowers, reception decor, invitations, shoes...It's easy to get carried away with the party of it and forget that after the party you're going home with this guy--forever.
I was watching TV last night and the movie "Sex in the City," was on. I saw it when it came out, but I still like seeing her couture gown and veil. Over the top, but really pretty. But in that movie, her fiance, Big, isn't so thrilled about the production that the wedding is becoming. And he's already been married before, more than once, and as the limo pulls up to the wedding venue he realizes he can't do it.
Marriage is beautiful when it's the right people and the right time, but it can also be ugly. And divorce is never pretty.
Chuck and I have been together as a couple for more than two years, and we don't want to enter into a marriage that isn't right, or go through a divorce --ever again. We both wanted pre-marriage counseling or some type of pre-marriage work leading up to the wedding-- and there's nothing wrong with our relationship. We just want to be certain that we are getting it right this time.
As soon as we were engaged we talked about finding a pre-marriage counselor, and figured our pastor could point us in the right direction. Our pastor set a date to meet with us soon after I went in to book the church for the ceremony. He let us know that he likes to meet with couples to plan the ceremony, and just talk about things leading up to the wedding. We've been meeting with him monthly since November.
Mostly we talk about our lives, work, the kids, and some of the things that are important to us about the ceremony. Within weeks of that first meeting with him, Chuck and I picked up the book Pastor Jim recommended for us as a pre-marriage journey. It's for married couples, but because we've both been married before, we're a little older than most who are approaching their first marriage (hopefully their only marriage) and because we've been "practicing" at being married for a while, he suggested the book, "Discovering a Dynamic Marriage."
So far it has been great, but we are slow. As we thumbed through the book and set dates to talk about the chapters I marked those dates in my calendar and I put the chapter numbers beside the date. I thought we would be on chapter 7 by now. We are only on chapter 3! We meet regularly over lunch to talk about what we are reading, and it has brought up a lot of things that we never would have talked about without being prompted to do so. Not because we wouldn't want to, but because we just wouldn't be thinking of such deep subjects.
We had started talking about some things already, such as money, sex, parenting, our basic personalities and the needs we have surrounding who we are, and some other pretty typical things. Our discussions have lead to our experiences as children, who we were watching as role models as we grew up, and some other pretty good conversations.
But the book has prompted us to go deeper. It's a lot of work. I spent about two hours on the work at the end of Chapter 2, and then together we talked about it for more than an hour. We are so busy all the time I don't think this is something we would have sought out, but I'm glad we're doing it. I'm not sure we'll be finished before we get married, though.
I've known a few people who have been through pre-marital counseling of various types. Some are still married, some are going through a divorce now, and some have been divorced for a while.
I'd love to get some feedback about what has worked for different couples.
2 comments:
I recommend regularly weeding the garden sounds weird..but bear with me. Keep meeting with a counselor or your pastor. Ben and I never had any issues until we became "too busy" to have those deep conversations. We rarely (about 2 times a year get to go out as a couple) but every year we made an effort to have a few sessions with a therapist and check in with one another. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to pull those baby weeds? You know the tiny ones that take but a few moments to pull? But...if you ignore those baby weeds...lord can they dig in. Soon they're suckin' the nutrients you've put out for your veg and soon your veggies are dying. So...you try to save it by adding more compost but ignoring the weeds...it doesn't work...so you finally smarten up and realize you've got to pull those weeds. Sometimes it's too late. Sometimes your veggies die even after digging the roots of those nasty weeds out of your beds. But...if you'll only be patient and keep weeding that bed you'll be able to plant new seed and you'll realize how awesome the harvest would have been if you'd only tended it more often. You'll have regrets...but the new veggies will be all the sweeter because you'll know just how important and delicate they truly are.
Your marriage is the veggies. Weeds are issues, pain, neglect. Compost is your love language/all those things that you and your partner do to support one another. And the harvest...that's all those years of marriage.
Always weed your garden when the weeds are small..never let them get a foothold.
And, Congrats on the upcoming wedding!!! :)
~Honey
Honey- Thank you for your kind words of advice.
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