Pre-Marital Work: Don't Make Me Think I'm Crazy

Noisy and bustling, our restaurant choice proved to be quite a challenge for us to focus on the work we had to do today. Chuck and I met to write one of the contracts at the end of a chapter in the book, "Discovering a Dynamic Marriage. "

We met for lunch at what we thought was going to be a quiet restaurant. The only booth available was behind the server station, and next to the door of the kitchen. We tried sitting side-by-side, but that didn't work either. It got louder, and there were several people who Chuck knew there. We finished our lunch and headed out to find a quieter place. We drove to his office, and it was quiet and we were able to forge ahead and had a great conversation.

Honesty was the main topic. To have a truly intimate marriage we need to be honest with ourselves first. We talked about facing past hurts and things in our lives that have changed us, looking realistically at who we are and why, and then sharing that with each other.

This requires trust and respect. We have to trust each other enough to share it, and we have to respect what the other is saying, even if it doesn't feel very good at the time. And when that happens, we need to be able to talk about why it doesn't feel good to us, and what our needs are.

Our busy lives can sometimes lead us to lose focus, but the first contract we wrote addressed our need to connect and spend time with each other for a minimum amount of time each week, and to make our time together a priority. We believe that by holding to that contract, our ability to remain honest will become easy and natural for us.

One of the topics in the book is called "Crazy Making." Couples who have a connection can sense when something is wrong in the relationship, or if the spouse or loved one is having some sort of trouble. Crazy Making happens when that loved one denies that something is wrong when asked. You know you can feel that something isn't right, and when the person dismisses your concern you begin to second guess yourself. This is completely unfair. It's dishonest, and only creates more problems for the relationship. By the time you find out the truth, and you always eventually do, the trust has been damaged.

We agreed to have some code words if there is really a legitimate reason to keep a secret. These are only in cases of a surprise gift or party. When asked we will respond with something like, "This is something for you, and that's all I can say right now."

We also talked about my desire to let some things go. Everyone has to do what is best for them and their situation. I believe women are a true gift in all areas of society, and I have enjoyed a lot of work I've done with organizations that were predominantly made up of women. I don't think we should go back to the days when women were not valued as contributors to the workforce and our society.
I'm just spread too thin. I'm a doer, and I hate to sit by and watch when I know I could be helping. It's a gift and a curse, I guess.

I work part-time. I commute quite a distance each way, and spend a LOT of my life on the road. Because we travel over a toll bridge I stay in town most days to avoid paying twice to go over the bridge, because once I'm finished with work, I still have to pick Sean up from school in town. Getting home can take up to an hour some days, if I have to stop for anything on the way home.

I've been in a leadership role at church, but haven't felt like much of a leader at all because I'm so busy. I'm part of two other organizations that meet regularly. This is going to be my last year for at least one of them. I'm still deciding on the other. And I am planning to cut back on some of my work at church.

I truly don't know how people hold their marriages together when they are pulled in so many directions. For me, I need to be home more. I have a real need to be taking care of things at home, and I hate feeling that nothing I'm doing is being done well.