It Ain't Easy Being Brown

I've had a little more than 12 years to prepare, but uncharacteristically for me, I've been in denial.

You see, I was thinking that if I raised my son to have manners, took him to church, surrounded him with people of good moral character, and made sure that he was learning, he would be just fine.

And maybe he will.

I'm white. I'm raising a brown child. His father and I are divorced, and he sees his father every week. His father believes that people who break the law should be held accountable, and so do I.

But what is happening in our country right now scares me.

I've been paying close attention lately.

I've been raising my brown son to make his own decisions, to think for himself, to question authority, and speak up for himself. I believe those are traits that will carry a person into adulthood, and make for a well-rounded individual. One who doesn't just believe everything he hears, or follows along just because someone says it's the thing to do.

This week I stopped in my tracks. I realized that I might have been doing this all wrong. What I thought would give him a great foundation for his future might be something that could get him killed.

My son is a typical pre-teen boy. He has a love of guns that I believe runs through his veins. My father loves guns, my oldest son loves guns, and my step-son also has a love of guns.

I thought my youngest son could be free to pursue his boyhood interests, to run amok like the boys in my neighborhood did when I was growing up, to get into some innocent mischief, because that's what builds great memories and it's how we learn. But it is also the thing that has me concerned.

I am still encouraging him to analyze, and think for himself, but I've begun serious conversations with him about how to behave. These conversations are different from the ones we've had in the past. Of course I've talked to him about manners, and his education has had grace and courtesy built into it, with handshakes and personal introductions the norm.

The instructions I'm giving him now are different. I knew his life would be different from my oldest kids who are white, but I didn't realize how different. I thought I could insulate him from bigotry and racism. I didn't want him to grow up thinking of himself as a victim, and I didn't want him to have a chip on his shoulder. I still don't. But, honestly, I didn't understand. I'm white.

While I still believe that if we all just obey the law, stay out of trouble, and stay away from people who want trouble, we will be fine, that isn't all there is to it for black and brown people.

Since the Michael Brown case in Ferguson I've been reading posts from a variety of people who tell the story of what it's like to be brown or black. Although I've noticed some of it myself as my son and I have been out in the world together, I haven't experienced it enough to understand. I'm still white.

I think back on some of the crazy things I did in my early 20s as a college student, and young adult with friends who were looking for fun, and it's a miracle that I came out of all of that unscathed. We never did anything intentionally bad, but we did some stuff.

Even if we had been caught, I don't think we would have gotten into a load of trouble. We were white. And it seems that in this country, if you're white, you are presumed innocent. A young white person out doing some things they aren't supposed to do can be seen as kids doing what kids do. A black or brown person in the same situation would be presumed guilty, and there isn't anything about a black kid doing something wrong that is fun and games. In this country, that is a life and death situation.

So I've begun a new education program with my son. New rules.

If you see a police officer: Do not run. Ever. Keep your hands where they can see them at all times. Do not make any sudden movements. Ask before reaching into a pocket, or otherwise moving your hands. Only speak when you are spoken to. Do not ask questions, other than "am I free to go," or "can I make a phone call."

You might be thinking ( if you are white), "Well, that's just common sense."

Yes. It is.

I've already talked to my son about making good decisions, and staying away from people who make bad ones. I didn't know how else to say it except to just say it, so I told him that if he is with a group of white friends who decide to do something he knows is wrong, but they all think it will be fun, or funny, and they get caught, he is the one who will be in trouble.

I explained that the white kids might get in trouble, but it is almost a certainty that he will. And it sucks, but it's just the way it is, so the best thing to do is leave that group as soon as he knows what is happening. I told him to use me as an excuse.

Now, maybe you're thinking that is also just common sense. But think back on your youth and the things you've done. Kids do stupid stuff.

And maybe you can't imagine it, but try. Imagine you are a white kid, and you are innocently hanging out with your friends playing Airsoft war in your yard. You have your headphones in, listening to your favorite song, really loud, and you have your Airsoft gun in your hands. A police car pulls up because a neighbor complained that you were shooting guns.
What do you imagine the police officer will do when you don't respond to him or her trying to talk to you?

Now try to imagine you are a black kid in that scenario. What do you think the officer's response will be?

Recently there were a lot of gun enthusiasts carrying their guns into stores to push the open carry issue. And though there were some people on social media pushing back on that, and threatening to boycott those stores that allowed people to come in carrying guns, that's about as bad as it got.

I kept wondering what would happen if the gun enthusiasts were black guys.

Imagine that for a moment. You're in a store, maybe even working there as a cashier, or a manager, and a large group of black guys in camo, with guns strapped to their backs walk into Target, or Home Depot.

Think on that for a moment.

Hmm.

I know this is just one more thing out there in the cyberworld about race, and today I saw a comment to a post that said, "Please. Not another story whining about racism. We're all equal!" And all I could think was, "Of course. Because you're white."

I'm only beginning to understand what black and brown people deal with every day, but I know that I will never fully understand either.

I'm white, and that will never change. I just hope that within my brown child's lifetime this country will.

But What About Socialization??

I spend my days homeschooling.

I really love to teach my child. He enjoys learning at home, and he is thriving.

But there are so many myths and misunderstandings about homeschooling, so I thought I would put this out there in the blogosphere to clear up some of the biggest myths and assumptions I've heard.

These range from "those kids just sit at home and watch TV all day," to "the poor things are stuck in the house without any opportunity to socialize."

I am certain that there are some parents who homeschool because they think it's going to be easy. And I am certain that there are a very few, and I mean very few, because honestly, I don't know any, who allow their children to just sit in front of the TV all day.

I'm also certain that there are some who don't want their kids around other kids, and therefore their children really are stuck in the house without any opportunity to socialize. Well, sort of. I think even those families have an occasional opportunity to socialize. Church, family events, grocery store, library, something. And though I know one such family, it is only ONE of a whole lot of homeschooling families.

We can debate what is and isn't enough socialization, but I'd like to put forth the idea that socialization means different things to different people.

It's definitely the hot button topic for both those who have an opinion, but aren't homeschooling, and those who are homeschooling.

First, I don't think sitting in a classroom of 25+ kids who are your same age is true socialization. I don't think the Middle School experience that my older kids endured, nor the experience I've heard through friends and groups is true socialization, nor is it, in my opinion, healthy socialization. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm not so sure about high school, either. My own experience, and that of my older children, and adults I've spoken with, was not what I would call a real social experience. And from what I hear, it's not gotten any better with time. I've heard the debates about what those experiences can teach us.

My definition of true and healthy socialization includes opportunities to converse, spend time, and collaborate with people of all backgrounds, ethnicities, faiths, ages and socio-economic status. It includes disagreements, and opportunities to negotiate, compromise, and find ways to work out problems. That is my definition of true socialization. And that is what I strive for in our homeschool experience.

Sometimes we fall short. The age ranges aren't always as diverse as I would like. Ultimately I'd like my child to spend time with some kids of all ages, some adults, and some teenagers and older adults as well. We have a pretty diverse group of friends. We, ourselves would fit the "diverse" label. We have friends of various ethnicity and background. We seem to be missing out on the teen group, but Sean gets that in other places, like church and when he spends time at his dad's house.

But here's the crux of what I want to get out there to dispel these myths and assumptions and misunderstandings.

Homeschoolers do socialize. We, as in Sean and I, have so many social opportunities that I have to sometimes turn some of them down or we would never get a day of school. I've heard from others who say the same thing. This is especially true when our regular schooled friends are on holiday breaks.

There are also a lot of collaborative opportunities, and I have to constantly decide if they are going to enhance or detract from our lesson plan.

Our lesson plan might not look like a traditional lesson plan, but it is ours. Not everyone does use one, and that is OK.  Homeschoolers use all kinds of curriculum. We happen to use a Montessori curriculum, but no one else in our social circle does. We know some people who use the public homeschool curriculum, others use a religious one, still others unschool, and some have cobbled together a variety of curricula to have what works for their children.

The other myth about TV all day, well that has been a topic of discussion in some online groups lately. You might be surprised to hear that some homeschooling families allow their children a couple of hours a day of TV, others allow 30 minutes, some use a bit of educational programming, and some don't even have a television. Hmm. Sounds pretty much like the general population, huh?

The beauty of homeschooling is that no homeschool looks like another. We homeschoolers do what works for us, and share ideas and tips, but we all follow our own way.

Fortunately, we live in an area where there is a large community of homeschoolers, and for that reason, our community at large is supportive. We take advantage of a lot of the classes and group activities for homeschoolers here. There are outdoor science classes, art, and local history classes. We've even hosted one ourselves that teaches outdoor skills and conservation. We've met new friends by hosting that class on our property.

But I also have the benefit of online groups. I am in several Facebook groups for Montessori homeschooling, and some for homeschooling in general. As a homeschooling mom it can be overwhelming, and lonely. I've found the online community to be such a blessing for me. When I first embarked on this journey, Sean was a first grader, and I was able to connect with a Montessori homeschool group on yahoo that saved me. Really. I was clueless, but that year I learned so much about the philosophy and curriculum.

This week Sean will be socializing during the class we host here, and after that class we both will socialize with the families. We will probably collaborate on some science with one friend.

And he will also have some screen time, though he doesn't watch TV by choice. He prefers Netflix, and video games. I limit both, and neither are allowed until school work is finished.

So that's a little glimpse into how we socialize, and how we deal with TV. And now I will get back to my research on the politics and government of Ancient Greece, gather more Greek root words and definitions, and study the Pythagoran Theorum for tomorrow's presentations. See how that all flows together? Ancient Greece (History), Greek root words (language),  Pythagoran Theorum (Pythagorus was Greek) and a math lesson.

This really is fun.

Epic Field Trip

Wow, I went MIA there for a while.

We've been super busy, and we were out of town for a while in September. Here's why:

Grand Geyser at Yellowstone National Park.

We stayed at River Rock Lodge, in Big Sky, Montana. It was about an hour from the West Entrance of Yellowstone. We spent three days there, and Yellowstone was as beautiful as I remembered.

From Wyoming we were headed to Idaho for a stop at Craters of the Moon.

Volcanic rock.

Indian Tunnel, one of the lava tubes.

Two happy kids hiking back from a great adventure.

Back to the van, and onward. Next stop: A ghost town called Silver City.

15 miles of dirt, rutted, rocky road back to the main highway, and we were off to Oregon to see the John Day Fossil Beds.

Sean loved the microscope at the Thomas Condon Paleontology Center.

A leaf fossil we saw in a boulder on a trail.

Might as well round out this trip about volcanoes and stop off at Mt. St. Helens on the way home, huh?

Sean and Lilly were interested in the seismograph. Any movement on the floor caused the needle to move.

By the time we arrived at Mt. St. Helens the kids were really ready to be home. We didn't stay very long, just long enough to look around the visitor's center. Informative, by the way. And I heard there has been increased activity there. Yikes.

Winding Down

It's been a great ride, but summer is coming to an end for us. We just attended an end-of-summer barbecue bash last night at our friends Nikki and Andrew's house.

We've enjoyed some great company, like when we hosted about 35 people for our Anniversary Party in June. I met a cousin of my mom's that was visiting from Montana, and we were so pleased to celebrate with our family and friends.

I've basked in the warmth of the sun as much as possible, and I've walked around the property and the yard taking in all of the sights and sounds. Birds, the horses next door, woodland critters that I hear rustling in the bushes but I can't see, squirrels chattering in the trees, and just today Sean and I watched a humming bird flit from one bloom to another on one of the flower bushes. We were so close, and it seemed to not notice us. But the birds here are kind of like that. They ignore us most of the time.

Sean has had a busy summer!-he's been playing hours upon hours of video games, lol.  But really, he's participated in some day camps, and he's been doing chores around here. We've hung out with some friends. We took a trip to the Pacific Science Center with Sean's friend Paul and his mom, Nikki, and he did a chemistry and lego camp in July and August respectively. He went on a vacation to California last month and did some camping with his dad.

One thing we haven't done yet, that I plan to do in the coming week, is go to the beach! We used to go all the time.

Chuck has been super busy with the business, and that's a blessing and a curse. It's great that we can keep our crew working, but it sure is tough to find time to get away from it all.

As I write this post, I'm sitting on the couch with the windows cracked open, and it's almost 10:30 p.m. The night air is filled with fall.

I'm researching and gathering materials for the coming school year. We are homeschooling for 6th grade, and I'm excited to begin soon.

Gingers Unite

If you are a brunette, do you notice other brunettes on the street?
If you are blonde, do you take a second glance at another blonde at a boutique?

Redheads notice other redheads. Or at least I do. And when I see a little baby, or a young child with red locks, I can't help it, I automatically smile.

You see, we are rare. I think I was the only redhead in my classes in elementary school, and there were only a couple more in high school. There's some understanding between redheads. We know how rare we are, and we empathize with each other.

Unlike blondes, who are always purported to "have more fun," are described as "bomb shells," and are sought after as a prize or trophy by many men, redheads are not described in those ways. We aren't a top pick. We're seen as fiery, with quick tempers and strange ways.

And while a brunette can be "exotic" and beautiful, redheads tend to be, almost, feared. That is until we are somehow acceptable again.

We seem to come in and out of fashion like clothing styles. We cycle around every 25 years or so and become the fad.

Our shades of red can be anything from almost blonde to orange and everything in between. Some of us have pale skin, so pale it's almost translucent. Some have freckles so thick it's almost a skin tone, and others of us can actually tan, and do. Some have skin that tans dark, and have auburn hair and eyes to match. Some have green eyes, some have blue. And I read recently that the red hair and blue eyes combo is extremely rare. So if you're one of these, celebrate the unique treasure that you are!

As a redheaded child, I was made fun of, teased and called all sorts of names through high school. Pumpkin head, carrot top, red. Though some of these were tossed out as affectionate nicknames, more often they were a jab. (By the way, a carrot top is green, people. Just sayin'.)

Looking back I find it comforting that I never was tempted to die my hair. I didn't want to change it, even though no one else seemed to like the color. I embraced who I was, and though the name calling hurt my feelings a bit, I let it go, knowing that I was special and they just couldn't see it.

Almost every time I've gotten my hair cut, from the east coast to the west, the hairdresser has commented on my hair color, and how they just can't get that color in a bottle.

So here we are. It's 2014, and a spread in Vogue magazine is celebrating the beauty and mystique of redheads.

We're in again, my fellow gingers!

Enjoy it while it lasts, but when we lose favor don't fret. We've still got each other. If I pass you on the street, in the aisle at the grocery store, or waiting in line at a play, I'll give you that reassuring look of acceptance.

Gardens and Baskets and Bouquets, Oh YES!

The gardens are alive with color, brilliant reds, yellows, shades of pink, pristine white, and a hint of blue. I've hung baskets along our porches and the gazebo, wherever there is a hook, and in some cases added hooks ;)) Each one displays a hue of purple and white, pink and red.

My heart is happy. Our sun finally made its appearance, and it is steadily warming us as the day slips into evening. My Southern soul longs for sun, and I bask in it as long as my fair skin will allow.

Our garden colors get a turn in vases on the table, near the bathroom sinks, and on a side table in the living room.

The dahlias and gladiolas are just beginning to bloom. I don't love the tall flowers as much. Especially gladiolas. They always make me think of death and funerals.

Here are a few of the beauties I've showcased together so far this summer.

A low vase is best on our table. It allows for conversation.

This vase hangs on the downstairs bathroom wall.

I was inspired to mix green and white. Our holly
bush provided the perfect leaf color to accent
the white flowers. I love the texture of the pea
vine and blossom.

South in the Mouth

If you have never lived in or spent time in the South this might not make a lot of sense. The Southern region of the United States is very different from any other part of the country. And even within the South there are vast differences in culture and language.

I won't go into all of those differences, but you don't have to travel very far to experience them. When I was living in Tennessee and traveled to Western Virginia (NOT West Virginia) I noticed a difference in the pronunciation of certain words. The word house, for instance, sounds a little more like hoose. It's subtle, but I still knew they meant house. However, I've never been very good at deciphering the Mississippi dialect. I truly don't know what they are saying most of the time.

As I've moved around the country I've lost some of my accent, gained some of others, started pronouncing the g in words where I used to drop it, and lost a lot of the colloquialisms that I used to hear and use in every day conversations.

I revisit some of them when I talk to friends who still live there, or who have not lost as much as I have. And some of those words are still part of my internal dialogue. It's a lot like movie quotes that you want so badly to use in a certain situation, but you don't because you know that no one else is going to understand the reference and you will sound a little cray-cray.

But the other day one of them slipped out. It was as automatic as saying yes. And my husband looked at me like I was visiting from another planet.

We were having dinner. He said he had met with a guy that day, someone I know of but don't know well. Normally I would say something like, "Oh, so how's he doing?" or "Really? What did he have to say?"

Nope. I distinctly said, "Oh yeah? What'd he allow?"

My husband gave me the look and asked, "What did he what?"

In Southern speak that means what's new with him, or more specifically, what did he have to say.

Luckily I didn't take it further and say something like, "Oh, yeah? What'd he allow? I reckon all that jawin' musta wore you plum out."

Boys Are Failing and Here's Why

We want them to be girls.

Chuck and I spent last Saturday at the "Helping Boys Thrive" summit in Edmonds, Washington, learning why boys think differently, behave differently, and have different needs than girls. The summit was co-hosted by Michael Gurian, a mental health counselor, and Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center-A Place of HOPE.

The audience was a mix of educators, counselors and mental health professionals, and people from the Christian faith community.

I will attempt to share what we learned in the six hours we were there, so this is condensed.

Look at a classroom. Sit still. Be quiet. Don't fidget. Stop tapping. Don't make that noise with your foot. No you may not get up and walk to the book shelf. Now take out your pencil and paper and write an essay about what you did this weekend. What? You didn't finish that essay? It's time for recess. Guess what? Because you didn't finish the essay, and you walked to the window instead of sitting in your chair, you don't get to go to recess. You have to stand against the wall of the building and watch the other children play. (This seems to be a very common form of punishment.)

But if you look at the kids standing, watching other kids play at recess because they are being punished, you will see that most, if not all, of them are boys. Every. Time.

And hopefully, especially if you are a teacher and you are reading this, you will see why this is so ridiculous and needs to stop.

Why do boys throw things, jump from the top stair, slide down a banister, use a baby doll as a weapon, and treat each other like punching bags?

In a nutshell, boys' brains are different than girls' brains. And we don't stop being different once we are grown up.

The difference begins in the womb. This is not something that any of us have any control over whatsoever. The way the brain is formed is biological, or nature, if you will, not nurture. Brain development is a constant. Some things we have some control over, and can shape and change with societal norms and expectations. The brain development is not one of them.

While girl brains are getting the development for language all over the brain, and a little bit of their brains are developed for spatial relationship, boy brains get HALF of theirs for language and the other half is for spatial relationship. (Not relationship as in boyfriend, girlfriend. Spatial as in physics and engineering.)

This fact, as well as other information about brain development, was presented to us with brain scans of boys and girls across cultures.

This difference in brain development begins to happen at about the fourth week of conception.
Please. Don't get defensive. This isn't to say there are not female engineers, it's just a scientific fact that the brains are different. About 20 percent of us have what is referred to as a bridge brain, meaning that either gender can have a little bit  more of the other's characteristics, but male brains are NOT female at birth, or at any other time in their lives. If there is a Y chromosome, then there is a male brain.

Also, the boy brain is bathed in testosterone in the womb, and this hormone is the aggression hormone.

From the time that boys are very young it is clear that they need to move, and some need to move more than others. That is why if you are looking for one, it is important to find a daycare or preschool with plenty of space, both inside and out, for movement. (A little Montessori plug here, true Montessori schools do a great job of allowing for a lot of movement, especially through third grade.)

This need for movement is also why using no recess as punishment doesn't work. They NEED that outlet, that time to run, get the energy out of their system for a while, and there is also a lot of social learning that happens on a playground.

The systems we have in place for school are really geared more for the way girls and women do things, and especially how they learn. (We got a bit of information about the trouble with the mental health system as well, but I'm going to focus on education.)

If you put a boy in a regular classroom and make him sit at a desk or table, expect movement. And what I've noticed is that by the time they are around 8 or 9 years old, if not sooner than that, they tend to tap their pencil against the desk, doodle on their math page, wiggle their foot, bang their knee against the leg of the table, or some other fidgeting behavior. As irritating as this may be to others, and especially to teachers, boys are not doing this irritate you.

It is to keep their brain awake.

Boy/man brains shut down easily. If they are not actively engaged in something, their brains want to shut off. Brain scans show that a girl brain at rest is still very active, while a boy brain at rest is shut down. To keep this from happening, we have to allow boys to fidget. Let them doodle and draw. If their brain shuts down they aren't learning. (One of the activities the boys in Sean's Lower El class loved to do was finger knit. They did this while the teacher was talking or reading to them.)

Boy brains have a lot of gray matter, and this leads them to focus on the moment. Girl brains have white matter, and this allows them to be thinking of a million things constantly. Even when they are resting. Boys do not like innuendo. We have to be direct, and we need to use powerful visuals when we need them to transition to another activity. Sign language works well.

We were told that their brains aren't equipped to write and speak immediately when we demand it of them. They need time to process. So instead of asking them to write an essay, tell them you'd like them to storyboard the subject, then write about what they just drew.

If they are upset, or have just had an outburst that led to some kind of time out, don't immediately demand to know what happened, or get them to talk about it. They really can't articulate it right away. Cortisol, the stress hormone, increases in these situations, and a drink of water will reduce the cortisol. Do that first. Then ask them to go with you for a walk. Maybe let them bounce a ball as you walk, and then begin to ask them what they think happened and talk it through.

It's also OK for boys to be aggressive.  Boys are naturally aggressive, and it isn't a bad thing. It is their way of bonding and showing affection. They love to hit and be hit, etc. What we have to watch out for is the intention behind the physical aggression. Once the intention is to do bodily harm, and not just play around, that is not aggression, it is violence.

Getting hurt on the playground is healthy. It isn't going to kill them. We have to stop hovering over our boys and protecting them from the things that will help them develop and become young men.

Because boys like using objects and moving them through space, i.e., swords, sticks, balls, rocks, etc., it is important to give them that outlet with rules or parameters. They are also drawn to video games because of the visual stimuli, and the ability to control objects moving through space. They are good at these things, celebrate it, but limit it. Because of the visual stimulation, it triggers something in the brain that makes them crave it. More of it just makes them want more, like an addiction. Talk about your values around technology and screen time. Limit it. It can also interfere with sleep. Some people have a rule that TV and games must end two hours before bedtime.

Another very important point to make is that boys NEED a three-family system. The first is the family involved in day-to-day care of the child, the second is a group of friends the child can go to to talk, and a community or faith family is third. With all three in place, things are easier for you and the child. Boys naturally want a kinship group. If we don't find a healthy way to provide it for them, they will seek it out and can find the kinship in gangs.

Boys are good at all sorts of things, and we need to allow them to be in charge of their decisions, and show them they are appreciated and valued. Boys are funny. We have to allow them to be funny, allow them to talk about guts, boogers, slugs, poop, snot, and all those icky things that girls don't like.

The alternative is just not working. What we are doing is failing them. Of course there will be those boys who do just fine in the system that is designed for girls. But what about the rest of the boys? This video contains staggering statistics and statements.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMLaXr1sFZc

Here's a humorous video about the difference between men and women.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg&feature=kp

And here's one that some team members of our Seattle Seahawks put together that has an emphasis on Christianity, but the players talk about their lives as boys. And these guys filmed it prior to winning the Super Bowl.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EC1iD8yzndM

Spring Fever and Road-Trip Dreamin'

Spring always reminds me of my mom. She loved spring. I used to be more partial to fall, myself, but since I've moved to the other side of the country and live in a cloud bank, I'm jumping onto the spring wagon.

My mom was always in a pretty good mood, but when the trees started budding, and the daffodils were blooming, she'd get this sparkle in her eye. As soon as the temperatures warmed up she was ready to hit the road.

And we did. Many times. We drove all the way from Gig Harbor to Elizabethton, Tennessee one Spring.

I inherited that wondering, wandering, spirit from her. Our months of gray and rain have been interrupted by short bursts of blue skies and sunshine. There's a restlessness stirring that I know will only get stronger as the days get longer.

We have decided we aren't taking any big trips this year, since last year was a big one with the honeymoon. But I'll have to go somewhere, even if it's a short day trip.

I'm already thinking of the possibilities...

Oh, the pain

I screamed. I never scream. I screamed and cried and wailed, and I must have kept that up for a good 10 minutes.

I've had broken bones. I've had three children. Two of them were born without me being medicated. B But this pain was somehow worse.

It will sound crazy to anyone who has not experienced this, but I fell down some stairs. My foot twisted. I landed on the side of my foot at the bottom of the stairs, and I could. not. move. Awful pain.

The word "sprain," takes on new meaning for me. I admit that I always thought sprains were minor. Breaks were major. Broken bone, oooohh, now that hurts. Sprain, eh, you'll be OK, I used to think.

My hope is that it will heal faster than the broken foot I had in my 20s, when I walked around my college campus in a cast for three months.  And by the way, I didn't utter a scream when that happened. A wave of nausea. Pain. NO screaming.

And though I've been slowing down the past year or so, delegating duties to others, resigning from boards and committees, and even quit my job to stay home and homeschool Sean, I guess I need to slow down even more.

That is the message I'm getting from this. I need to kick back, prop up my foot, and not worry that the floors are filthy and no one in the house has clean clothes. I need to let others do the floors and the laundry. And I'm not really comfortable with it. And maybe that's exactly why I need to do it.

My husband is amazing. I already knew that, but this incident showed me just the man he is, and how lucky I am. I'm so blessed. He is so caring. He's a firefighter/EMT, so he's skilled at taking care of people until he hands them off to the healthcare team. But he's still here for me, making sure that I have what I need. He carried me to bed. Brought ice water and medicine to the bedside in case I needed it in the middle of the night. Carried me to the bathroom, helped me get into the bathtub and out. He's continued to help me up and down the stairs. He's taken on the chores of laundry, dishes, meals, and is great at helping with the kids.

But I really do hope I heal quickly. A few days of this is enough.

Let's talk about parenting

I believe there are way too many people ready to tell others how to do things. Especially how to parent.

What I think we all need is a little more support and a lot less judgement, and especially we need to be told that everything will be OK.

I recently read an opinion about parents. It was about parents who the writer said are so involved in their children's lives that their kids can no longer do things for themselves. The crux of it was to stop doing pretty much everything, and let the kids do for themselves or it would lead to a crippling effect on the child and a future of the parents phoning professors over a bad grade, and accompanying the kid to their job interview as a young adult.
The examples were unfair, in my opinion. I really believe parents know what their kids need. They also know their own limits, their children's limits, and their breaking points.

We all do things sometimes that our kids can clearly do on their own. I know from experience (with two children who are completely grown now) that my youngest child will eventually do everything on his own.

I'm a Montessori mom. Montessori education is done with the philosophy of independent learning. The basic motto is, "Teach me to do it myself." And so that is basically what I have done since Sean was about 2 or 3. But there have been times when I just couldn't.

I used to tie his shoes, even after he knew how, because I needed to get out the door and on the road. Any other time of day and he could tie them on his own and take as much time as he needed. Guess what? Brace yourself. HE TIES HIS OWN SHOES.  I know. Unbelievable. I tied his shoes for a few years, and now he does it by himself.

Until recently I poured his juice. Our refrigerator is not designed to hold large bottles anywhere except the top shelf. And our cupboards are high, and the cups are in there. So I retrieved his cup, and the juice from the frig. And usually I poured it, and kept the juice bottle on the table. And if he needed a refill, he would DO IT HIMSELF. Amazing. And now he's tall enough to reach the shelf and the cupboard, and he gets his own juice, even though I used to do that for him.

I've met some parents who seem very worried, anxious, and downright overloaded with paranoia. They worry about outside influences, lead in toys, and pesticides in foods. (I am concerned, too.) These parents are trying their hardest to do everything right.

My theory is that at some point in the late 1990's or early 2000, parenting changed. It seemed to be the age of competitive parenting-- Pergo strollers, Britax car seats, designer diaper bags. And also scared parenting-- is that crib safe? Has it been recalled? What about those diapers? Do they have bleach in them? You feed your baby Gerber baby food? For the love of God! Haven't you gone Organic yet?

My mom was a great mom, but she wasn't worried. It seems we are all worried about everything now.
I started to notice this new competition/worry craze when I had my youngest child. For some reason I got a little caught up in it, even though I had two teenagers who were just fine. But maybe things had changed, I thought. Maybe there were more dangers. Certainly it seemed there was more information about safety, and recalls of certain car seats and cribs. And any good mother worries, right?

We want the best for our babies, and our toddlers. And as the child gets older we want to choose the very best pre-school. Then we want to research the very best elementary school, and so on.

It's not something we are doing wrong, it's something we believe with our whole hearts that we are doing right. And I am completely guilty. I am trying my best to do what is right.

So if you are a parent, and you are trying to do what you believe is right, good for you. And, if you are a parent and you aren't that worried about pesticides and lead, or the best elementary school, or any of this stuff, good for you.

Our kids are pre-wired to watch how we do things, and then set about learning how to do those things on their own. They will learn. They will laugh. They will cry. They will grow. And they will grow up.
And to all of us, I say: Everything will be OK.

A Christmas Letter (circa 2004)

The Christmas and New Year holidays are over, but I was having a conversation with a friend who had a tough year, and we started to talk about Christmas letters.

I have written one almost every year. There have been years that I started and stopped, started again, and finally just gave up.

You see, I think those letters are really just a recap of all the cool and fun stuff you have done throughout the year. Those years I couldn't write were so filled with awful things that I truly couldn't find anything good to write about that sounded genuine. I had moments when I thought maybe I should just write the truth. It would have gone something like this:

This year was one humdinger of a turd. I started this year with the death of my step-grandfather. Soon after I delivered that eulogy I separated from my husband. My toddler son had to have surgery this year, twice, for two different medical issues. 
And oh, did I mention my mom has cancer? She was actually diagnosed with the recurrence a couple of years ago. We've spent lots of hours on the road this year to take her to appointments and chemo treatments. 
Mom has good insurance, but this year her insurance coverage jumped to $800 a month.  
Yeah, so we are living with my mom. I don't have a job, and if I did my money would be dumped into a daycare center. 
I've spent many hours this year talking with my attorney, who by the way, has sucked up most of my "spousal maintenance," that I had to garnish from said soon-to-be ex-husband. We've become connoisseurs of spaghetti, and spaghetti sauce. We've eaten it almost every night this year, and we have decided that Barilla noodles that we get at the You Bag It grocery store, along with Prego sauce, also from said You Bag It store which we buy in bulk at highly discounted prices, is the best.
All I want for Christmas is a divorce, but this thing keeps dragging on and it looks like it will be next year before it will end.
That about wraps it up for us, and we hope you have a very Merry Christmas.

Of course I never sent it.

Sherman was high

on adrenalin.

If you watched the 2014 NFC Championship football game of the Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers, you most likely saw a sideline interview that seemed over the top. Even if you didn't watch the game, chances are you've seen at least parts of that interview by now.

But in case you haven't: Richard Sherman, who plays cornerback for the Seattle Seahawks, was approached by a network sports reporter on the Seahawks sideline after he had just made a great play to help the Seahawks win, and also had a little altercation on the field with a 49ers player, Michael Crabtree.

Let me interject here that I am no expert on the game of football. I wouldn't even call myself a football fan in the conventional way. I enjoy watching a game if I'm interested in one of the teams, but I don't dye my hair blue or green, and I don't have any pom pons lying around the house, or one of those foam finger things. I have a journalism degree, concentration in print journalism, and even took a sports writing class while getting that degree. I have worked in a newspaper sports department, and I've interviewed athletes, and watched many sporting games, and written stories about them, but I have not played the game, nor do I pretend to know everything about football.

One thing I do know is that the players, especially football players, get wound up. They are on the field to win, and in a high stakes game such as this one, where the winner will go to the Super Bowl, it's intense. I like football, but what intrigues me is the way this Sherman interview has everyone so riled up.

I'm not even certain that the reporter knew what had just happened on the field. I honestly don't remember her question, but I remember Sherman's response, and it is now plastered all over cyberspace.

I was definitely pulling for a Seahawks win. But I'm not defending Sherman because he's a Seahawks player. I am defending him, though.
Sherman, who is only 25 years old BTW,  had just deflected a pass to Crabtree that could have resulted in a SF touchdown, and a SF win. Apparently Crabtree and Sherman had traded some trash-talk in the media the past couple of days, and it is very likely that some comments were exchanged during the game. In fact, I'd bet on that. It's normal and expected that players on opposing sides will taunt each other during a football game.

Sherman was pumped up, it was a close game for four quarters, and it was the most important game of the season. The win means a trip to New York to meet up with the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl.

There are pictures of Sherman offering his hand to Crabtree, and Sherman says he was offering a hand shake, and said, "Good game," to Crabtree. Crabtree's response? He shoved Sherman in the face.

And seconds later a microphone was in front of Sherman, a guy who loves to talk, loves to remind everyone that he is the best, and then makes the plays that back up his claims.

So let's examine the situation:
Lots of adrenalin, 25 years old, just made a major play to help win the game and get his team to the Super Bowl,  then was shoved in the face after a gesture of sportsmanship? Well, I think if someone placed a microphone in front of me after all of that I'd probably lose any filter I may have had prior to that moment.

At first it was difficult to understand what he was going on about.  "Don't you ever talk about me!" he shouted.
The reporter asked Sherman who was talking about him and he said "Crabtree!"

For those who have never played competitive sports, or never done anything that results in a lot of adrenalin, Sherman's tirade may not make sense.

His response to the reporter was a bit shocking, but taken in context, I understand it.

There are some good stories out there about Sherman. These are two of the ones I liked. They are long, but I found them interesting and well written. Imbedded in this story is a video clip of Sherman that shows his love of the game, and his work ethic.
http://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2014/1/20/5319032/richard-sherman-interview-nfc-championship-2014

And here is another story about Sherman from SI:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1208083/1/index.htm

What I've learned about Sherman is that he's smart, he's driven, and he likes to inspire others to greatness. He also gives back to his community.

According to a poll I saw in the Washington Post, the Seahawks are hated by most of the country. The Sherman/reporter incident has generated negative remarks about him in social media, and on sports shows.
But I know this part of the country will be wearing blue and green, and hoping for some Sherman interceptions and for the Seahawks to shut down the Broncos on Feb. 2. (Sorry Peyton, I know you were a Volunteer, and I've followed your career ever since, but I have to fly my 12 flag this time.)

Klan Destine Relationships, by Daryl Davis

During Christmas break I read several books. We had two weeks off from doing school work, so I took advantage of my spare time.
Our pastor had mentioned Daryl Davis in a sermon, and referenced his book Klan Destine Relationships. It got my attention and I went to the library to find it. They had to order it from another system, and I received it in a few days.

It was an amazing story. Daryl Davis is a black man who is also a musician, and an active, practicing Christian.
Klan Destine Relationships chronicles his experience with bigotry from childhood to the time he wrote the book. Instead of meeting these hate-filled prejudiced people with what they were dishing out, Daryl Davis did what we are all commanded to do: He loved them.
And he also set out on a quest to understand them.
He had the ability to see past the hatred and view these people through a different lens. His utter respect for them was shocking; his generosity inspiring.
Klan Destine Relationships is a story of human love and understanding. I don't think I have it in me to be so brave, so loving, and so generous, even though it is my work as a Christians to do so.

It is not a piece of literature, but this book is a great read. Expect to get stirred up, and to be surprised.

Extreme Reactions

This is more of a commentary on reaction rather than the show, Downton Abbey.
I'm a Downton Abbey fan, and the most recent episode included one of my favorite characters being raped. (IF  you missed Episode 2 of Season 4, I apologize for the spoiler.)

It was difficult to watch, even though the scenes did not show any graphic evidence of what was happening.  There was a forceful smash of the man's mouth to hers, he handled her roughly, and the rest was left to the audience's imagination. Anna is a lady's maid, and her attacker was part of an entourage of help brought along by guests of the Granthams.

At the start of the show a message flashed on the screen which warned of scenes that may not be suitable for all audiences. Viewer discretion was advised.

This warning was sufficient for adults to usher children out of the room, however, I believe anyone who has suffered an attack similar to the one in this episode may have been caught off guard. There are similar scenes in other television shows and movies, and in my opinion, they are much more graphic.

While this scene was difficult for me to watch, it was equally as difficult for me to read some of the reactions posted on the Facebook page of our local PBS station. Some commenters were so outraged by this scene that they claim they will pull their funding. One mentioned pulling PBS out of their will.

When we lean too far in one direction, are quick to judge, quick to punish, quick to react without first taking a moment to understand, damage is done. In all things, we must seek to understand first, then carefully react.

Unfortunately, if these people who made the claims follow through, our local PBS station will lose money. I'm not so sure it will be enough to lead to a cut in programming, but I do not understand this reaction.

If these newly former PBS donors believe for a moment that they aren't supporting far worse, they need to wake up.

PBS relies on public money, but the corporate television stations rely on it as well. They just get it in a different way.

If you purchase Kellogg's Rice Krispies, Palmolive dish detergent, Hane's underwear, Pampers, Foldger's coffee, Duracell batteries, or any other product that runs commercials on television, including some local merchants, then you are supporting programming that includes violence against women, men and children. Even if you are one of the people who have started buying local, natural and organic products, chances are you are still buying something that is supporting mainstream television programming.

I have boycotted certain companies when facts showed their business practices do not align with my values, because I didn't want my money funding such practices.

We all have the right to give or withhold our money, but either way it should be done after careful consideration.

It was one episode of one television show.