Serious talk

Lately it seems a lot of conversations are centered around death and dying. This post might be a bit much for some, so proceed with caution.

Death is a part of life. I have known that since I was little, but knowing it and feeling it are different things. As Chuck and I have gone deeper with our relationship we have discussed death and the emotions that go along with that experience. He lost a son in 2005. I almost hate to use that word "lost" because I know he isn't lost. But it does go along with the feeling of loss that overtakes us when someone we love so dearly dies.

I don't know what that feels like. The death of a child is unimaginable to me. Chuck is amazing. He has taken the pain and loss and done great things. The community is small, so everyone knows him and knows of his loss. I'm sure it makes it easier for those who are in the midst of experiencing a death as Chuck enters the room. He said it seems to calm people when they see him. He does have a wonderful heart and puts people at ease.

My mom was the closest person to me who has died. The death of a parent is completely different, I'm certain. And though most of us will experience the death of a parent, which makes it a more natural part of life, it is still so difficult.

Prior to that my experience with death was at a distance, sort of. I attended several funerals of classmates in high school, and a couple of good friends. Those times were really sad.

When my mom died I went through all of the stages of grief. I recognized them, but it didn't make it any easier. In college I read the book, "On Death and Dying," by Elizabeth Kubler Ross as part of a class assignment. I loved that book. I gave my copy to someone, but I think I should have that book on my shelf. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer I told her about the book and she loved it too, and gave her copy away as well. (She lived with cancer for almost 12 years, and said she went through the stages when she was diagnosed.)

Chuck has had classes on the stages of grief too. He's a chaplain with the fire department. Just after we began dating we were hit hard with bad news. A person in our community that we both know has been diagnosed with cancer, and the prognosis is really not good.
Chuck and I talked last night over dinner about how our experiences with death have changed us, and in a good way. I love talking to him because he is willing to be so honest and share his feelings.

Just this week I met with someone who shared with me that his infant son died of crib death years ago, and he was very angry for a long time. People seem to open up to me easily sometimes.
This man said he got to some very low points, but wanted to know what happens to children when they die and he began to read and ask questions. He said he believes his little baby boy saved him. He had never known Christ until he began to search for those answers for his baby.
Others aren't so at peace. I heard of one person who lost a child many years ago and hates God to this day because of it.

We all process things in a unique way. Some of us proceed through those stages of grief and it doesn't take very long, others go back and forth between a few stages and take much longer to heal. Some get stuck on anger and never proceed. I have heard that we should make time to grieve, set a time each week to go through photos, etc. I never did that. I just let it come when it came and it was unpredictable. Making an appointment to grieve seemed strange and unnatural for me. I'm sure it works for others, though.

My journey through grief was not easy. It started long before my mom was dying and proceeded until really just this year. I already knew the stages of grief, and recognized them as I was feeling them, but it didn't make it any easier for me. It did help though. I knew I wasn't going crazy, just going through the natural grieving process.
Here are some things I learned while caring for my mom as she was dying, and as I went through the grieving of her death.

Each day is a gift, no matter how bad it is.
The moments you have are special moments, no matter how mundane they may seem.
We are all stronger than we think we are.
Stuff is just stuff.
Whether you're rich or poor, you will die. 
When you die no one is going to remember you fondly because of your bank account. The relationships you build while you are here are what count. 
Our best legacy is family.
All we need is love, and love is what we all need to give to everyone we encounter.

My mom taught me so many things, but there was one great lesson she taught me throughout her illness and as she was dying:
No matter how bad things are, find a way to smile and be happy. Being bitter and angry will not make it easier.
My mom was always smiling and thankful for each day. I was in awe of her every day and still am.